Ell Dee Are

The open status isn’t the only thing that causes tension in this new relationship; we’re also currently 800 miles away from each other.  Being the one currently living in a place where neither of us particularly want to be, it’s mostly on me to remedy that, which I don’t mind at all–an excuse to move is almost as welcome as the relationship itself. Still, the process has been the cause of no small amount of stress on my end, as I search for new employment and housing in an area that I can’t easily travel to without advance notice.

Almost as much as I didn’t expect or particularly want to fall in love, I was also not at all looking for a long-distance relationship. I’ve made a couple of abortive attempts at such things, and they never work well for me; I’m a very physical person, and the physical presence of someone I love is both important to me and difficult to do without. I’m stuck being without Carrie for weeks-to-months at a time, and when I can make it out there it’s always an epic trek after which I’m almost as exhausted as I’m elated. I’m in this stage where I can’t get enough of her, and it’s exacerbated by the fact that I can’t get very much of her.

This ties back into my anxieties about her having other relationships, as well. I’m quite a bit further away than many other people Carrie dates, and am thus far less accessible.

Since we’ve gotten together, I find myself thinking of Carrie as often as anything else, if not more. She’s, at least for this moment, the central focus of my life, and moving to be closer to her is my overwhelming goal.  At the same time, I have badly craved physical affection more than once since we’ve been together, which puts me in an odd conundrum internally: I want to be with her, and can’t, but I also want to be with someone badly rather badly.

I haven’t, as of yet, settled for something nearby on nights when things were bad, mostly for lack of opportunity (anyone who finds out I’m in an existing relationship heads for the hills, no matter how casual they were looking to be), but not entirely for that. It’s also because I’m aware that I’d feel fairly awful about it afterward. I’d feel as if I’d been unfair toward Carrie and also toward this theoretical other person. I’m unsure how much of this is reasonable, how much is my tendency to be unnecessarily self-sacrificial, and how much is leftover habit from my monogamous years. I’ll sort through it, I’m sure, but at the moment it’s a bit of an internal tangle.

Today, however, I got word of new developments with my employer that change the time frame of my moving from months to weeks. I will be much closer to Carrie much sooner than I thought, which is going to have interesting and exciting effects on our relationship, I’m sure. The dynamics are about to change in unpredictable ways, but I’ve never been terribly happy with the predictable, anyway.

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6 thoughts on “Ell Dee Are

  1. Hooray on the short timeline for the move!

    I’m in a LDR myself, and have been for 3 years; part of what’s stalled us out is that both of us have jobs and families and reasons to stay where we are, and I don’t feel comfortable giving up my own financial security without some promises from my partner.

    There’s nothing wrong with wanting physical affection and choosing NOT to seek it locally, even if your partner has other partners. Poly is not a race where whoever has the most love wins.

  2. Poly is not a race where whoever has the most love wins.

    No, of course not, and I don’t see it that way. It’s just that, on some level, I still don’t believe this stuff works, for me. Part of me won’t be able to really relax until I prove to myself that it’s possible to be in a relationship with more than one person at a time.

  3. I share your happiness for your expedited move! And, please forgive me if I ever accidentally appear discourteous/insensitive in my comments. I am highly curious but also very sympathetic for your evolution.

    Sometimes, I want to blurt the first thoughts that pop to mind about how I cognitively simulate a set of multiple open parters. If you and Carrie are the only intersection of your respective intimate companions, it’s a simpler dynamic. But what happens if you befriend any/many of the other people C is involved with, if not even by happenchance (many related in the IT world)? If you’re all in town, will you all go out for beers and music?

    As an analogy, in my head I envision the Borg, though much happier and sans the awesome ocular laser bits. Also, how do you avoid collision when multiple people simultaneous desire time with the same person?

    Gah! So many questions!

    I distinctly recall a discussion with my ex about my belief that we all possess the ability to love (in both agape and eros frames) multiple people, even simultaneously. I am certain I have experienced this, though I limited my outward social and physical expressions of love exclusively to my monogamous partner, and yet still expressed a sincerely warm admiration to the other person. I know it’s not just probably but necessary for us to have the capability to fall in love with multiple people if for nothing but successful species propagation.

    I quote myself from an early OKC journal:

    “The innocent and hopeless romantic in me reads this and feels like a spear has been lodged into his chest. Knowing too well that life is really only happiest when exchanging real love with another.

    The battle-worn and coolly rational analyst in me dismisses this view as foolish, and knows that true contentment cannot be realized without focusing beyond love, as love is a persistent illusion propagated by the mechanics of evolution.”

    Also, this:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_styles

  4. If you hooked up with someone else it likely *would* be unfair to both them and Carrie; not because there’s anything wrong with being poly but because I get the sense you’d be sleeping with this other person *only* because the one you really want wasn’t available.

    I feel like ideally if you start seeing someone else it should be because you like them on their own merits. You shouldn’t fall for the person because she’s similar to Carrie, or dissimilar to Carrie, or more easily accessible than Carrie. The second relationship should be on a totally parallel track. Know what I mean?

  5. I share your happiness for your expedited move! And, please forgive me if I ever accidentally appear discourteous/insensitive in my comments. I am highly curious but also very sympathetic for your evolution.

    Sometimes, I want to blurt the first thoughts that pop to mind about how I cognitively simulate a set of multiple open parters. If you and Carrie are the only intersection of your respective intimate companions, it’s a simpler dynamic. But what happens if you befriend any/many of the other people C is involved with, if not even by happenchance (many related in the IT world)? If you’re all in town, will you all go out for beers and music?

    As an analogy, in my head I envision the Borg, though much happier and sans the awesome ocular laser bits. Also, how do you avoid collision when multiple people simultaneous desire time with the same person?

    Gah! So many questions!

    I distinctly recall a discussion with my ex about my belief that we all possess the ability to love (in both agape and eros frames) multiple people, even simultaneously. I am certain I have experienced this, though I limited my outward social and physical expressions of love exclusively to my monogamous partner, and yet still expressed a sincerely warm admiration to the other person. I know it’s not just probably but necessary for us to have the capability to fall in love with multiple people if for nothing but successful species propagation.

    I quote myself from an early OKC journal:

    “The innocent and hopeless romantic in me reads this and feels like a spear has been lodged into his chest. Knowing too well that life is really only happiest when exchanging real love with another.

    The battle-worn and coolly rational analyst in me dismisses this view as foolish, and knows that true contentment cannot be realized without focusing beyond love, as love is a persistent illusion propagated by the mechanics of evolution.”

  6. If you and Carrie are the only intersection of your respective intimate companions, it’s a simpler dynamic. But what happens if you befriend any/many of the other people C is involved with, if not even by happenchance (many related in the IT world)? If you’re all in town, will you all go out for beers and music?

    Honestly? I don’t know. I’ve met one of my parallel paramours once, and that went pretty well. I’ll meet at least one more this weekend, and probably report back on that experience. As of yet, I don’t see any reason we couldn’t be beer/music buddies; I don’t have anything against the people in question. Of course, whether or not we’ll actually like each other is an unknown, but I suspect it won’t be an issue.

    I’m not really jealous of Carrie’s other boys; if I’m jealous, it’s of her for having them.

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