The open status isn’t the only thing that causes tension in this new relationship; we’re also currently 800 miles away from each other. Being the one currently living in a place where neither of us particularly want to be, it’s mostly on me to remedy that, which I don’t mind at all–an excuse to move is almost as welcome as the relationship itself. Still, the process has been the cause of no small amount of stress on my end, as I search for new employment and housing in an area that I can’t easily travel to without advance notice.
Almost as much as I didn’t expect or particularly want to fall in love, I was also not at all looking for a long-distance relationship. I’ve made a couple of abortive attempts at such things, and they never work well for me; I’m a very physical person, and the physical presence of someone I love is both important to me and difficult to do without. I’m stuck being without Carrie for weeks-to-months at a time, and when I can make it out there it’s always an epic trek after which I’m almost as exhausted as I’m elated. I’m in this stage where I can’t get enough of her, and it’s exacerbated by the fact that I can’t get very much of her.
This ties back into my anxieties about her having other relationships, as well. I’m quite a bit further away than many other people Carrie dates, and am thus far less accessible.
Since we’ve gotten together, I find myself thinking of Carrie as often as anything else, if not more. She’s, at least for this moment, the central focus of my life, and moving to be closer to her is my overwhelming goal. At the same time, I have badly craved physical affection more than once since we’ve been together, which puts me in an odd conundrum internally: I want to be with her, and can’t, but I also want to be with someone badly rather badly.
I haven’t, as of yet, settled for something nearby on nights when things were bad, mostly for lack of opportunity (anyone who finds out I’m in an existing relationship heads for the hills, no matter how casual they were looking to be), but not entirely for that. It’s also because I’m aware that I’d feel fairly awful about it afterward. I’d feel as if I’d been unfair toward Carrie and also toward this theoretical other person. I’m unsure how much of this is reasonable, how much is my tendency to be unnecessarily self-sacrificial, and how much is leftover habit from my monogamous years. I’ll sort through it, I’m sure, but at the moment it’s a bit of an internal tangle.
Today, however, I got word of new developments with my employer that change the time frame of my moving from months to weeks. I will be much closer to Carrie much sooner than I thought, which is going to have interesting and exciting effects on our relationship, I’m sure. The dynamics are about to change in unpredictable ways, but I’ve never been terribly happy with the predictable, anyway.