I have, for want of a better word, a “date” tonight. This causes an odd mix of feelings for me, mostly negative, if I’m honest. Guilt, anxiety, apprehension, a little anticipation. What I’m hoping for is that it goes well; what I’m used to is a horrible flameout. If I see this person, we like each other, and then we continue to see each other, this will be a first for me.
I need to not associate this sort of thing so horribly, though, and the only way to stop is to keep trying and hope it starts to work out. This is taking a very, very long time. If you’d told me, last July, that a year and a half later I still wouldn’t be seeing anyone else, I don’t know what I’d have said. If you’d told me that Carrie would stop seeing other people eventually and we’d be essentially monogamous for a year or more, I also don’t know how I’d have reacted. This isn’t what I was expecting or looking for, and except in the sense that I’m very satisfied with my relationship with Carrie, it’s not what I want.
I keep being made to feel guilty, too, about having expectations, or nebulous desires to “see other people”. Or else I’m made to feel guilty about not wanting monogamy, depending on to whom I’m speaking. Actually, “made” to feel this way is the wrong word; I’m reacting to a deep-seated socialization that the way that, on a gut level, I want my relationships to work is wrong, and that affects me very strongly.
Anyway. I have a date tonight. We’ll see.