I received this message on a certain dating site, referencing something in my profile:

“The ways in which open/polyamorous dating seems to reinforce heteronormative gender roles despite being such a fringe activity.”

Any more so or less so than monogamous dating? And if so, how? Examples?

It all seems about the same from my perspective, that is, dating is dating.

Which prompted a response that’s fairly relevant, and might spark an interesting discussion (if anyone sees it), so I thought I’d pop it up over here:

First, I want to establish that I’m horribly overgeneralizing and simplifying “gender roles” in this for illustrative purposes. Of course this stuff is fantastically more complicated in real life, but you’ve just asked me to demonstrate a tendency and short of an involved scientific study the best I can do is a thought experiment, which is a horribly flawed tool and I’m aware of that.

Second, let’s use the example of who is supposed to “pursue” vs. who is supposed to be “pursued” under standard normal heteronormative dating, while acknowledging that, again, all of this is much more complicated in real life. We’ll also assume the majority of basically heterosexual people in an environment correspond to their gender standard.

(And I really hate “pursuit” as a dating model, but am using it here for sake of discussion)

Third, we’ll assume for sake of argument that everyone would like to date a lot of people and everyone would like to put in the least possible effort toward that end. Thus, assume neither gender minds being pursued, nor does either gender prefer it overall.

In a monogamous environment, in theory (and very few of them correspond to theory, and I think we can probably take future caveats as read, right?), the maximum number of people one can date at once is one other person. In a polyamorous environment, limits have a lot more to do with time and availability and negotiated discussions and such, but it’s enough to say that the maximum is “more than one” but not infinite here.

In a monogamous environment, while the pool is very large, the maximum rewards are constrained to “dating one other person”. Women in this thought experiment will tend not to actively pursue a partner and men will tend to do so, starting out, although some number will not conform to this stereotype. So, in a first pass, the men who pursue will generally connect with women who don’t, and the women who pursue will tend to connect with men who would, otherwise pursue but don’t have to. Some number of pursuers will connect with non-pursuers. People will then adjust their behavior based on those rewards; non-pursuers who nonetheless connected up with someone else will remain non-pursuers. Those who didn’t connect with anyone will tend to become more likely to pursue, but there will be a small number of these, mostly men; those pursuers who got pursued will tend to become non-pursuers, but there will be a very small number of these, and these will mostly be women. Once everyone has shifted their behavior to the extent they are capable, the vast majority of the field has connected with someone else; when a couple breaks up, assuming that they don’t then get back together, one or both of them will go back to pursuing, and will connect with the next single person of the appropriate gender. We only really get one pass of paradigm-shifting, after which people settle into whatever dating path they’ve chosen.

In a polyamorous heterosexual environment, this changes. The first pass happens basically as above. In the second pass, those who conform to their gender roles get rewarded *again*, and those who do not will again tend to change their behavior. These passes continue until people reach their personal maximum dating value, which many if not most will never reach, and of course breakups happen at a similar frequency but the available field after a breakup is much larger and much more likely to be made up primarily of people fitting their assigned role.

This, obviously breaks down in a handful of scenarios. If we postulate a group that doesn’t, in the beginning correspond to gender stereotypes, there’s nothing to re-emphasize, and the rewards/punishments are evenly distributed. Also, if, say, women find being “pursued” odious, or men find “pursuing” tedious, they’ll tend to stop acting that way regardless of whether they’re otherwise rewarded for it. And, of course, in the real world it’s not a binary choice between “pursuer” and “pursued”, and these things exist on a spectrum that includes things like mutual initiation of contact in the middle. Still, I think this is a pretty good model for showing how polyamory can emphasize these particular things even more so than monogamy under certain circumstances.


I’ve been experimenting with my OkCupid match questions, attempting to find some way to make the match percentages useful again, and I just can’t quite seem to manage it.  My previous theories have all fallen to counterexamples in the population.

What I want is to be able to create a match threshold above which I will only find people who are interested in nonmonogamous relationships.  Such people being vanishingly rare, that really needs to be the first tier of my own personal Drake Equation; otherwise any group I’m looking at contains too much noise.  However, there’s simply no way on this site to do that consistently any more, as people who only answer a few questions can (and in fact, are much more likely to) match in the high 90s.

Of course, what would really help would be a search filter for people who are “available” as opposed to “single”.  What would help even more would be the ability to check off something like “nonmonogamous” on my profile and then search on people who have checked that.

As exists, the only real way to do this on here is to “hide” anyone who shows up as a high match and then has a profile that indicates an interest in monogamy.  Of course, there are any number of people who match me highly and (quite rightly) feel that they shouldn’t have to write “I’m looking for monogamous relationships” in their profile, as the default assumption should be that they are.  So there is some number of people who don’t indicate on their profile that they are in and/or into open relationships, who match me highly, and yet whom it doesn’t make any sense to try to contact because the vast majority are going to be monogamous and be at best annoyed and at worst horribly offended if I hit on them.