I usually try to avoid posting here when I’m feeling particularly down (I write the draft, and save it, and never publish. I think I have six of these). That’s part of why updates tend to be so slow, but I’m realizing that’s probably not leaving the most accurate chronicle. So, here it is: I’m in a bad way at the moment. Feeling trapped, optionless, and unable to move. This happens to me regularly, and always has; I feel trapped when I’m committed to someone and lonely when I’m not. It isn’t fair to Carrie, who isn’t doing anything to make me feel this way, and it isn’t fair to the people around me who get subjected to my funks.
I know this cycle, and I know I need to head it off. Trapped leads to resentment, resentment leads to anger (anger leads to the Dark Side). And eventually it kills things. I’m in the first stage now; I need to work out how to change the progression.
When I was seeing L, I didn’t know this about myself yet, and so I just spent about four years depressed and angry. While T and I were together, my theory was that I needed to change how I felt, change that progression, and that was ultimately fruitless; once the final stage kicked in, I just hated myself for a year because I couldn’t make it better. Then I tried just being single for a while, which certainly left me feeling differently, but I did spend a lot of time lonely. Still, though, I was out of the trapped-resentful-angry cycle.
As I mentioned in the first post, the experiment this time around has been to see if being a) in love with someone awesome and b) free to see other people is enough to keep me out of this devolution. I still don’t know; it turns out I’m really bad at the latter part, in ways that I don’t really understand (if I did, no doubt I’d change them).
Beyond that, I’m not sure I have a lot to offer someone new, so long as I’m in this funk. I’m not sure I have a lot to offer Carrie, either, but she’s already signed up for it for whatever reason. I’m weird and difficult with regards to dating, uncomfortable when approaching and slow to respond when approached. I want to be very aggressive, and I find very aggressive men irritating, and overcompensate by underreacting (plus I’ve had a few people tell me I’m overly aggressive when I didn’t even think I was flirting with them, so now I try to tone it down even further). And I’m just in a really poor space in my own head right now; if I started seeing someone new, that person would be stuck with me at my most self-loathing from the get-go.
Don’t really have a solution for this. It’s a funk; it’ll pass. I’ll wait until I’m feeling better, and then go through another cycle of trying to psyche myself up to actually approach new people, then negotiate whatever is required to move to the next step. Maybe I’ll try to figure out what a real person would have said to the couple of people who’ve approached me recently that I find interesting; how to actually express attraction rather than just bantering on autopilot until they or I lose interest, the way that I do. I made some headway on this before, and then dropped into one of these moods and tossed it all out, but I’m sure it’s achievable again.
If nothing else, writing it all out makes me feel better.