Hoisted from OkCupid comments

Something I said here, because it seemed relevant:

I have made a conscious effort to get better about this, but I know when I drop an email conversation it’s often really tough to get back to it. In fact, knowing that, I have managed to reach the point where I will occasionally send two messages in a row, if there’s been some lag and the conversation is unlikely to continue otherwise. I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find that, often, the other person wanted to write back but had just left it too long.I suspect that there’s more of a lesson in this than I have learned, yet. I think a lot of times, people just want someone who will make it easy on them, and walk them through all the checkpoints before they are officially “seeing each other”. I don’t do that, yet, and don’t know that I ever will, because it makes me feel like this is someone who isn’t interested, even if that’s often not what’s actually going on on their end. I also won’t do it because I’m as of yet insufficiently experienced to be able to tell “uninterested” from “interested but shy”, and I’d rather let some of the latter fall by the wayside than make all of the former uncomfortable.

I’m pretty sure all of this applies equally to non-romanticosexual relationships, as well, but the stakes are lower with those, so it’s easier to keep things going. My current focus is on the former, though.

I know, for my part, I’ve only really had relationships where  either there was a very gradual, mutual expression of interest, or someone came on to me.  And if something seems difficult, if there appears to be some obstacle, I’m more likely to drop contact than push through.  This cuts both ways, though; when I do this, I’m sure it reads as “lack of interest” to the other party, especially as I tend to be boisterous and overbearing in almost every other arena.  Something for me to work on.

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11 thoughts on “Hoisted from OkCupid comments

  1. Interesting. I feel the opposite. I’d much prefer not to indulge shy people because I rather abhor them (not being very shy myself and thus not that sympathetic to it).

    Also, I don’t feel there is much to lose either way. I already have great friends and great love. Striving for a little extra of either doesn’t stand me to lose any of that or anything else I value.

    And then, I really want partners and friends who will just TELL me what they want or how they feel instead of leaving me guessing. So usually, I assume they will and that if they act uninterested, they are. If their behavior confuses me or I’m getting mixed signals, I ask about it.

    Admittedly, it is pretty frustrating when someone verbally expresses great interest in me but then doesn’t let me pin them down for a date. But eventually if my effort isn’t being reciprocated, I walk away.

    Ultimately, right now it’s a bit difficult for me to examine how I approach dropped connections because I’m just not looking that hard.

  2. Well, probably no small amount of the issue is that I’m taking everything way too seriously, but knowing that doesn’t really help with it. I’m still trying to prove to myself that this stuff even works, and I feel like I’m on something of a time limit, so “just relax” isn’t really usable advice.

    It’s kind of sad how I’d meant this blog to be a useful chronicle of what it’s like to get into open dating and relationships and instead it’s mostly emo whining about not knowing what I’m doign wrong.

  3. Actually, that’s probably worth noting, because it means that any time I’m with someone new, it’s simultaneously super important and partly impersonal to me, which is kind of a gross combination to lay on someone.

  4. “I’m still trying to prove to myself that this stuff even works…”
    Really? I think there’s ample evidence that it does. Or do you mean works for you specifically?

    “It’s kind of sad how I’d meant this blog to be a useful chronicle of what it’s like to get into open dating and relationships and instead it’s mostly emo whining about not knowing what I’m doing wrong.”
    Well, yeah, that’s what it’s like to get into open dating and relationships. 😛
    And yeah, that is kind of a gross combination to lay on someone. What is wrong, by the way, with seriously emotionally engaging yourself in another relationship rather than just having a second person to date and have sexy fun time with? I mean, for you personally. Historically, it doesn’t seem to be your natural approach to a relationship and it might combat that potential impersonality a bit to let yourself get more involved.

  5. “Or do you mean works for you specifically?”

    That.

    “What is wrong, by the way, with seriously emotionally engaging yourself in another relationship rather than just having a second person to date and have sexy fun time with?”

    I don’t know that anything is wrong with it. What I’m mostly resistant to is the idea of another “primary” relationship, but a “serious secondary” isn’t an impossibility. I’d kind of like to try just being somebody’s booty call simply because I’ve never had that kind of relationship, but it’s not the only thing I’m open to.

  6. I don’t know, I guess it’s just becoming more and more obvious that Figuring Out How to Date (Nonmonogamously) just isn’t going to happen, at least not on any foreseeable time frame. I need to find another way to get on an even keel and/or go ahead and melt down and buy a motorcycle and drive off into the woods where no one can find me for a few years. But “get on an even keel” is pretty damn vague, and leaves me without a plan of action, even one I don’t know how to effect like I had previously.

    I guess the revelation here is that, ironically, one needs to be okay with lack of success in dating in order to handle poly dating (or else start out seeing a couple of people and never address the question). Which sort of begs the question of “why bother”, but I’m not really in a head space for addressing that sort of thing right now.

  7. I’m also in surgical recovery and whacked out on painkillers, so my mood is not exactly in a solid place in general.

  8. Hmm. I definitely know the answer to the question of “why bother?” but then I don’t approach poly dating like you do. I’m looking for someone else just as special as anyone I’m currently dating and so I attribute a certain degree of patience and waiting and lack of success to that undertaking since the reward is great for me.

    I don’t think it would be so great a reward if I was solely looking for booty calls or a casual relationship or frankly anything less awesome than my current relationship. This is also the reason I just don’t seek those out at all. The payoff isn’t big enough. They require more energy and effort than anything I get out of them.

    If you’re mainly looking for sexy fun time and not much in the way of emotional commitment, why not try the swinging community? Although, frankly, it can’t help you at all that you live where you do.

  9. I understand. I do hope you feel better but I enjoy reading your posts so am glad you have some time to gad about OKC for a bit.

  10. *shrug* How patient is “patient”? How many years am I supposed to devote to this “undertaking”?

  11. What can I say? I’ve been looking for a successful relationship with a woman since I was 25 or 26 and I’m 30 now.

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