A friend recently ran into a phenomenon I’ve seen in passing on OkCupid a few times but never really noted, which is the “fake single” poly guy* profile. This is a guy who’s status is “single”, but either a) he mentions in his profile that he has a significant other and/or spouse, or b) I happen to know he has one or more people in those roles and doesn’t mention it at all.

This is, I think obviously, kind of skeevy, but more than that I’m not sure what the impetus is. You’ll show up on more searches and may get more interest, but it’ll be from people who don’t want to date you. Is it that these guys expect/intend to be so interesting and charming that someone inclined toward monogamy will go for it with them anyway? That seems like a wild long shot and also a recipe for disaster if it works out. I’m assuming here that these are (as in the case with the friend in question) guys who are at least up front enough to tell the other person when they do go out about their SO. I mean, on some level I understand what’s going on with guys who are just straight up lying about being single.

I suspect that this is of a piece with the sense that some poly dudes* seem to have that it’s unfair for some people not to want to date them just because they’re seeing other people. Like, they should still get their shot. And that seems of a piece with the sense that a lot of dudes* in general have that it’s unfair for someone they’re interested in not to reciprocate.

I guess maybe it’s a sort of poly-Nice-Guy-ism; why don’t these monogamous gals want to go out with me when I’m so great? They just keep dating other guys just because their life goals match better.

Anyway, as should be obvious, I don’t mean to say that a particularly large number of guys who are nonmonogamous/open/poly/&c are doing this, but enough that I’ve seen it multiple times, and that others of my acquaintance have seen it as well. And it’s not… wrong, per se, I guess, just sort of skeevy.

* Women may do this, too, but I haven’t seen it if so. I wouldn’t be likely to notice it.


3 thoughts on “Faux

  1. Not out of poly-ness, but I think I have listed myself as single while not because there is no way to specify that your singleness stems from dd/mm/yy onward and you make no guarantees about the time between now and then, etc. etc. This resulted in an awkward realization and a freeze that has since thawed.

  2. Well, one could always put that in one’s profile, but it seems like “available” is the reasonable choice there.

  3. Pingback: Ignoring profile elements you don’t like | Newly Open

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