Dear attractive internet person

Hello there!

I find your pictures attractive and your profile non-repulsive.  I have therefore come to the conclusion that if I were to put my penis inside you, a good time would be had by all, and that we’d both find each other interesting enough to navigate the process.  I suspect that, on seeing my pictures and reading my profile, you will reach the same conclusion.

I propose the exchange of several internet messages during which neither of us brings this up.  After 3-6 messages on each side, we should meet in person and also not discuss these conclusions.  At the end of that meeting, I will make some sort of physical advance, without, of course, verbally acknowledging it ahead of time, and you will either accept that advance or clumsily reject it.  In the latter case, I will apologize, as will, for some reason, you, and we will laugh nervously and make plans to repeat the process.

If, instead, you accept the advance, we will begin another clumsy, non-verbal (of course) process of fits and starts where I will attempt to escalate the contact.  You know, of course, that my end goal is naked body rubbing, as do I, and you have already decided how far toward that we will progress this evening, but of course neither of us will discuss this because that would be weird.  If you do stop me, we will follow the laugh-nervously-and-reset process outlined previously.

Over the course of one or more evenings of this, assuming no major faults on either side (you’re not a juggalo/ette, right?), we will achieve the naked rubbing end goal that both of us have been planning on since we first saw each other’s photos.  It is at this point that we will find out if our sexual styles and abilities are in any way compatible with and enjoyable to one another.  If not, one or both of us will awkwardly avoid contacting the other one until one or both of us gives up.

Assuming that it works out, though, congratulations!  We may now discuss sex.  Also, you can let out that fart.

Sincerely, or as close to it as cultural restraints will allow,



5 thoughts on “Dear attractive internet person

  1. No. Just, no. In fact, although you seem to generally be a delightful person and I love reading the insightful and beautiful things you write, this is the most ass-like I’ve ever seen you.

    Some people, including myself, can’t tell from pictures and a profile if sex would be a good idea. For some people, including myself, sex isn’t nearly the main point of most of the relationships we seek–I would love to have sex every day, but I could live reasonably well without it for a very long time, which is not true of touch or conversation or intellectual companionship. Additionally, making bad decisions about sex can have really unfortunate fallout. Not everyone has a birth control method that reliably works for them. You’re talking very casually and VERY presumptuously about other people’s desire to do something which can have really serious health consequences, and which is heavily loaded in this culture with emotional connotation. Get over yourself.

    Some people, including myself, don’t make a decision about exactly how far we’re going to go towards YOUR goal of naked bodies rubbing against each other before a date. For me, it’s more of a gut feeling about what I really want, and what will make me happiest over all–and I’m open to that gut feeling changing in the course of my interactions with someone. You are right that people need to talk more about sex, and be more verbally explicit about our desires and preferences. I recognize that for people who really do know if they want to have sex from a profile, the process could be a lot more efficient–but I think that isn’t anywhere near all people, and maybe not even a majority.

  2. I think I’m not following your objection. You mention “that people need to talk more about sex, and be more verbally explicit about our desires and preferences”, which is the point of the piece. If it’s because it feels like I’m making assumptions about what you, yourself go through in the dating process, I would just point out that the piece isn’t aimed at literally you, but is a hypothetical me making hypothetical assumptions about another person on the internet. If you think that I make these assumptions about everyone, I would assure you that I don’t, and further say that I don’t think that’s a reasonable reading.

    I don’t assume that everyone knows immediately whether they’re going to want to sleep with someone from their pictures. I do assume that, if I’m dating someone, they are considering me as a potential sex partner, which I am also doing with them. And I’m sort of pointing at the fact that, prior to actually sleeping with one another, almost no two daters discuss sex, and going “Isn’t that weird?”. There’s not a lot of nuance, no, but parody is a blunt instrument.

  3. Interesting. . . perhaps I am being too harsh. I know you aren’t talking to me–I’m just assuming my experience and priorities aren’t wildly far from average in this particular respect, and that many of the hypothetical people you encounter on the internet will share some of them. It really looks like you’re talking to the general purpose “any attractive person you might meet online” here.

    You seem to mean your first paragraph more or less literally. I suspect that for many or most of the people you meet online, it is very untrue.

    Talking about sex is important. However, the fact of not talking about sex for the first few conversations may not be because of some wildly irrational cultural repression–it may be because sex really isn’t the most important thing to talk about during that part of the relationship. Talking about sex before having it? Definitely a good idea. But as the premise of your parody, you make a really fundamentally problematic assumption about why people are talking to you or going out with you in the first place, and it seems like you actually mean that false assumption.

  4. So, one thing that was lost when I moved this from OkCupid, where I originally posted it, is the assumption that the other party was someone I’m contacting on a dating site. I thought it was inferrable from the text, but maybe that much wasn’t clear.

    Beyond that, no, I don’t think it’s false or unreasonable to think that someone I’m dating, or someone I’m exchanging messages with on a dating site, is sizing me up as a sex partner, as I’m surely doing with them. Of course that’s not all we’re doing–sex isn’t the only thing that I care about, either–but the joke is that we’re allowed to talk about everything else right from the start.

    If your problem with this is that it seems like I’m assuming that sex is the primary goal for everyone of any dating, then I’d point out again that it’s a parody and that I’ve had to take some license to make the joke, and that it’s one that is specifically and clearly full of things that I think it’s a bad idea to do. And to further clarify: no, sex, however broadly defined is not the only goal for me, either, although I suppose in many circumstances it could reasonably be called the primary goal.

    If, instead, it’s with the assumption that both I and anyone that I’m dating is thinking about sex with the other party, then I would say that it’s in fact quite unreasonable not to assume that. I’d go so far as to say that anyone who is dating someone that they’re not at least considering sleeping with ought to be upfront about that, because it’s one of the things that dating is understood to be about.

  5. Pingback: Oh, hello, new readers | Newly Open

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